Unloading The Negative Stresses To Load The Passions

I’m prepping a new chapter in my life. I am giving the civilian life a second chance after a total ten and a half years of military service.
People would question why I would give the military life a second chance after my experiences in the first round. It’s because I don’t give up easily, even if the flame diminishes in my vision.

I am not perfect, but I am an individual who looses focus once the passion is gone. The fire went out of me years ago for the army life. However, it was the only thing I knew in life, so it was hard to let go for me. Until now.

Well, not until now, but more recently as I put my insecurities away, learn to expose my vulnerability, and tell my story to the world. I realize people from my past will sham me for it. I am aware, but that doesn’t tell you who I am. That tells you who they are as a person. I would never claim as one of the best soldiers in the military. Shit, I consider myself more of an underdog.

I’m not just an underdog. I am a geek. I am embracing it. My passions are my therapy. Photography, writing, kickboxing, horses, dogs, movies, music, all are my therapy. Unfortunately other veterans who struggle with PTSD don’t find their strengths and therapeutic remedies. I have been working to rebuild my strengths.

We tend to be hesitant with coming forward with PTSD, because of the shamming it provides, not just in society, but also in the military. We need to change this stereotypical bullshit. We need to help the veterans find their new strengths outside the military life and let them openly expose their vulnerabilities without judgements.

I want veterans to stop being unsecured about their weaknesses and turn them into strengths like I have as a combat veteran poet. Learn to turn a negative into a positive. I do that with my poetry. My poetry keeps my emotions in check. On paper, it looks like a hot bi-polar mess. Reality, it helps me situate my feelings of what’s permanent and what’s temporary. I want to help and now that I’ve unloaded my military stresses more, I can help others unload theirs. I want to help others. I am tired of seeing the “22 a day…” slogan/statistics. We need to change it. Now!

The Road To Healing (Poetry)

Be the change, don’t wish for it.

I hear it over and over again.
I do what I can, when I can.
Damn, I try.
Finding my purpose in life.
Not an easy pathway,
But I think I’ve found the light.
A new day passes.
The end of the tunnel expands.
The sun rays, I feel on my skin.
Clouds creep from the distance,
Threatening the moment.
I throw out the umbrella; let the storm come.
I’m at the finish line, I’m done running.
Fists up, ready for what may come.
A passive lover turned aggressive fighter.
Wanting all that I’ve earned,
Accepting the gifts I’ve been given,
Using them to make for a better tomorrow.
The road to healing is turning its course.
Arise from the mercy of the knees,
Re-baptized by the Earthly rains.
2015 Copyright @ H.M. Gautsch
All Rights Reserved.

Still Dreaming (Poetry)

Dreams out weigh my harsh reality
From my visions,
I wish you could see me in my sleep
So why would I want to wake up
To the ugliness of this world, fuck.
I’d rather stay under my rock
and keep delivering you this art hop.
“Cold World, High Hopes”
My definition, my motto.
I don’t always think before I talk,
But I surely think before I write,
Pen, Pencil, or Chalk
Learning my goals, morals,
and ethical virtue as I draw words
that form into my walks.
Words never come empty though
Some come with pure emotions,
Causing my bipolar expressions,
Irony is this shit keeps me stable
When people try to tear me down
When people try to turn my existence
into a fable,
I reverse the power to my persona
and remain able to keep dreaming.

2015 Copyright @ H.M. Gautsch

A Non-Fictional Story Of Two Guys & A Girl

*As I start writing this post, my blog still goes untitled.*

Last week was an unexpected event in itself. The unexpectedness was a blessing in disguise. Balancing school and work with hosting two “foreigners” of the Midwest was a challenge, but at the same time it felt natural.

The events took place was assisted by our positive vibes connection at Deuce’s poetry reading event & photo shoot the week prior. Anyways, on to the damn story.

*I just figured out a title for the blog. Go me!*

It happened to be a relaxing day off after my Monday class considering I also had the Tuesday after off as well. I was getting my daily Iced Chai Latte when I got the phone call from Deuce.Apparently there is only one bus route from Cedar Rapids, Iowa to La Crosse, WI and the total ride time was 22 hours, when Cedar Rapids is only three hours away in a personal vehicle.

I was front with the guys, telling them my plan A for the day and Tuesday was a better day for the road trip after my Equestrian Therapy since nothing was planned after. I got off the phone and strolled through the book store for about fifteen more minutes thinking about the opportunities to change my plans for the day to Plan B. You only live once right?

So I basically said, “fuck it” and cancelled plan A and went with plan B for the day. I called Deuce back in the nick of time, considering they were seconds away of buying their hotel room for the night. Phew!

Somehow on the trip back from Iowa, I managed to talk two artists, who are used to the night life, to be morning peeps for me, in return, I would drive them up to the Mall of America. See, Deuce has been to these neck of the woods before, however, Mario has not been this far west before and I felt it was necessary to show him as much as I could while he was here. Both of them also got to meet Sterling, my new therapy horse, as well.

When we got home from our days trip up to the Twin Cities, I figured I cook for them as well, because the host has to go all out for their guests. So, I cooked some spaghetti for the guys for their second night in my crib. Wednesday, I manage to make them my homemade wings that were of three bold flavors, in between school and work & Thursday morning I provided chorizo burritos & hashbrowns for breakfast.

In return of all this hospitality, the boys took turns and assigning each other different chore tasks from dishes to vacuuming the living room floor. Coming home from work Thursday night to prep for my photography gig, opened the door and the house was so clean and refreshing from the abundance of essence candles that have been burning throughout the week. It was refreshing and I didn’t get insecurely upset about them touching my shit.

The results of this experience and strong conversations with the guys had boosts my hope to humanity who are on the same level in life that I am at. What we didn’t have in common, we shared with one another, as in, sharing our cultures and/or others from UK Grime music scene to Quebec’s film industry.  Expressing towards one another openly without judgements, but instead, sharing knowledge of our life experiences was an example that it is possible that people from different worlds can co-exist without hesitations. This is why we don’t judge people by their images or words, but rather by their hearts and intentions. My circle remains small, but the quality of my circle is so valuable, that it’s become priceless.

The Little Knowledge I Have So Far For The Film Industry

Due to my busy schedule between three jobs, the college life, and my photography business, I haven’t seen a lot of family during this first quarter of the new(ish) year. My three little balls of fur known as my kids have also kept me busy to where as I haven’t been able to over think a lot of things. It’s probably a good thing too. Good forbid a daily post of poetry writings that would make me look like a bi-polar from hell.

I got to stop a visit at my mother’s Friday to drop off belated birthday presents for my stepfather and youngest nephew. You could tell I haven’t seen her in awhile due to me not able to shut the hell up and tell her all the things I been doing and how school is going. I think she realized I was kind of busy? I would hope so.

She asked if I liked my new program I started this semester at my college. I told her yes. The works behind the camera is fairly new to me beyond photography, so it’s all fresh knowledge for at least my Video-Productions Studio class. I love the challenge.

It also gave me a fresh appreciation on film making as a whole. The funny thing too is the more knowledge you gather in the film field, the more you also appreciate more of the non-Hollywood films and you start to critique movies beyond the screen. You start noticing the goofs with lighting, cameras, and as a writer, I focus on the dialogue as well, through the script writing. You start noticing the movies that use CGI effects way too much and which movies have a poor plot, climax, and story-telling as a whole.

The knowledge I have gathered this far in the film industry has me over-looking and editing some of my story lines already, and I don’t even have a big start on them yet.  I guess my movie addiction is finally paying off and without a damn intervention.

Speaking of, I have a movie to watch.