From Darkness to Light: The Film That Saved Me From Myself

My life has been filled with various darkness throughout, each phase challenging me in ways I never anticipated. The cards I were given aren’t usually the ones that anyone would just take willingly; they often felt like a heavy burden rather than a gift. The lowest, darkest, and most irresponsible point in my life came in my early 20s, a time marked by confusion and poor choices that left lasting scars.

During those years, I struggled with feelings of isolation, grappling with my sense of self-worth as I made decisions that pushed people away and deepened my sense of despair. These experiences were not just moments of hardship; they were shaping forces that would eventually lead me to seek a path towards redemption and understanding, igniting a profound quest for healing that I am still on today.

It wasn’t until after my tour in Iraq that my life would be crashing down. Failed relationships after failed relationships, alcoholic abuse, and surrounding myself with invaluable individuals who used me for my money and popularity.

Post-traumatic stress got the best of me as I failed to mentally prep for my second deployment to Iraq, a time when my mind was clouded with fears and memories I couldn’t shake off. I was sent home early with no direction, feeling as though I had lost my purpose in life. During that period, I found myself working minimum wage at Subway, struggling to make ends meet, and almost facing eviction from my apartment due to unpaid rent that felt insurmountable.

Just when I thought my situation couldn’t get worse, a twist of fate emerged in the form of an unexpected opportunity—a blessing that turned into one hell of a life test. As I am just starting my treatment for post-traumatic stress for the first time in my life, I received long-term orders to work at Fort McCoy, stationed at the Wisconsin Military Academy, which seemed like a fresh start on the horizon. However, despite this new chance at rebuilding, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was still grappling with my past, and inevitably, I would fail the test that life had laid out before me.

Even when I found a decent job as a federal employer at Fort McCoy, I would just throw that hard earned money away to partying across the Upper Midwest. I was empty. I had no purpose. I was reckless. I didn’t realize the gift I had with my expressions and writing. I had nothing to live for. I went on years of this lifestyle until I got the call from my mother.

“Kenny is in the hospital…”

One of the few father figures I had in and out of my life (possibly my biological father), was sick. I don’t mean with the flu or even with cancer. Kenny had decades of this reckless lifestyle ahead of me, however the illness he lived with was covered up over the years for my protection, until that very moment in my life. All that was revealed was from a fall from a fucking ladder. A fucking ladder.

With heartache, confusion, and revelations, I turned to my best friend at the time, the one person who always seemed to understand my struggles. It was 2010, a year filled with hope and a sense of impending change. We both agreed it would be best if I would stop my bad habits, a pact we made as we sat on his couch, surrounded by the remnants of my chaotic life. He took all my liquor I kept at his place and hid it, not just to protect me from temptation, but also to show his unwavering support.

Quitting cold turkey with the drama that ensued was another failed test in my long history of attempts to break free from my past. My life, the same patterns, but with different faces, felt like an endless cycle I couldn’t escape. Something had to change, I thought, but despite my desire to move forward, I found myself tethered to familiar mistakes. However, that was the time I was going blind, yet again, for love, blinded by the intensity of my emotions and the idea of what could be, unaware of the pitfalls that lay ahead.

A lot of people who’ve come and gone in my life don’t know that I’ve tried quitting my party habits in 2010, however it was short lived, as my old habits resurfaced over the next two years. Even as I somehow completed my first college degree. Not sure how, as my days were either filled with drinks or hangovers. So how does this story even relate to any kind of film you may ask? Let’s just say I shook hands with the devil during those years of irresponsibility.

2012 came. Curiosity grew. Still struggling without structure in my life. I took a year and a half away from the uniform at the time (still on contract though through the Inactive Reserve), and decided to join the active Army Reserves in McCoy. I wanted to be a different soldier. To find new motivation, I gave into another La Femme Nikita marathon, but nothing was biting. I was urging for something more. I was seriously outdated with every cast member’s work, so I researched and what did I discover? General Romeo Dallaire’s (ret.) story:

This project really spoke out to me as a warrior grappling with Post Traumatic Stress, and having Roy Dupuis play General Dallaire drew me to the project even more deeply. Why? Roy made a courageous decision to give up drinking and the relentless party lifestyle prior to filming the television series, La Femme Nikita, which was a turning point in his life. This personal transformation resonated with me on a profound level, and it compelled me to admire him even more than I already did growing up. His dedication to self-improvement and resilience became a beacon of hope in my own journey. It was the ticket to my next chapter, a chance to embrace life with renewed vigor and purpose. To actually live life to my fullest ability, but first, I had to navigate through my unsteady roller coaster, a tumultuous ride after years of learning to numb my emotions with alcohol. Understanding that true strength lies in vulnerability, I committed to facing my struggles head-on, transforming my pain into a powerful motivation to heal and evolve.

Today, I may be a work in progress after decades of untreated chronic PTSD piling up in my life since the age of four, but I wouldn’t be where I am today with the perfect ingredients that have helped me along the way. That includes my military family that got me into and helped me with equestrian therapy and my medical board process to be retired from the military, the advisors and mentors that assist my needs when it comes to my mental health, and the friends that allowed me the opportunity to meet the biggest role model in my short complicated life. Most importantly, Roy taking on the role of General Romeo Dalliare (ret.) wholeheartedly.

With all of this and how my life sorted itself out, I do not use my PTSD as an excuse to fail in life, but rather as a powerful motivation to keep my purpose alive and thriving. Each day presents its own set of challenges, but I embrace these struggles as opportunities for growth and self-improvement. Without these struggles, I wouldn’t have discovered the transformative power of storytelling, which opened the door to art and entertainment as integral parts of my therapy and passion. This creative outlet has not only provided me with a sense of purpose but has also connected me with a community of like-minded individuals who inspire and uplift each other. I know exactly what my triggers are for my anxiety and stress disorders, and I have learned to navigate these emotional landscapes with greater awareness and resilience. I also know precisely what hobbies and interests I can engage in to benefit and improve my behavioral habits, be it through painting, writing, or even immersing myself in the world of theater. I am more of myself today—authentic and free—largely because of watching Shake Hands With the Devil and corresponding the message to my own therapy tools.