A bastard raised by a single mother,
And a bachelor who transitioned,
To my stepfather.
But that was never enough for me.
For my mind to became distortion,
By my curiosity.
After the discovery,
Of the unknown second candidate.
Questions arise in my thoughts.
All for the blank mystery
Of my birth certificate.
Who? Where? What? When? Why?
If he knew of my life,
Would he be proud of me,
Attempt to make up for lost time?
Or would he be in disgust
At the roads I chose to take,
And disown me anyway?
As I continue to grow,
Expose myself to the World
My mind continues to wander.
I sit back and try to understand,
How can one man or woman,
Just walk away from an innocent child.
The anger and resentment diminishes,
But I haven’t forgotten,
About my unanswered prayers.
Growing up fatherless,
Brings many effects to one’s home.
Don’t allow your child to grow up alone.
I feel lost not knowing,
The second half of my genetics.
Who? Where? What? When? Why?
The same questions haunt my dreams,
Brings me the life I only fantasize.
But that’s not enough for me to be satisfied.


Dear Dad;
I want to thank you for my green eyes,
and this head of hair, but rumor has it, not my height.
Unfortunately that is the only thanks I can give you,
Regardless if you know if I even exist or not.
Unfortunately I can’t keep up with the truth anymore,
No matter how hard I have fought.
If you know of me,
I just want you to know I don’t care like I did before.
If you want to get to know me.
That be great, but I am not holding my breath for another day.
Closure for me doesn’t have to be a happy ever after.

I wouldn’t be surprised if you were an asshole,
From the stories I’ve been told.
I was only four years-old!
You walked out after two weeks of barely knowing me,

How you must’ve been disappointed.
Must have been hell since I never saw a day of child-support.
You wouldn’t know of the fantasies and dreams I would turn to,
when it comes to reality, I thwart.
If I could choose my own father, I would.
Erase the two current candidates if I could.
I barely know who you are or what you even look like,
Other than you having the same green eyes.

Do you even know how hard it is to try and figure on my own…
How a man should properly treat a woman?
Trials and errors are a repeat in my heart,
As it continues to wear thin on my part,
Regardless of the numerous pick-up lines and flirts.
In a world where the tables keep being turned.
I could blame my mom for the sperm donors,
But at the end of the day, I also inherited from her,
Finding the good in everything and everyone that came along,
No matter what may come, with or without closure.
It is just too bad you could never be my father.

2014©H.M. Gautsch

Dear Dad;
How is it living in Kings?
I guess you didn’t expect to be in assisting living at fifty-six.
Do you even know me? Do I look familiar?
Do you even remember?
The baby girl you vouched for your own;
backed me up all the way to a DNA test to clarify my blood?
I was always daddy’s little girl from the day I was born,
I stood up for you even when you weren’t even around.
Misunderstood child always siding with her old man,
As the lies stacked up on the other end.
It wasn’t just my grandfather and uncle that only influenced,
You’re military service helped my decision become fluent.
Twenty-four years old and a call from mom,
At this point I’m still self-medicating and befriending my demons.
when I finally realized your escape from your past traumas.
Karma, karma, karma when you fell from that latter.
Now I comprehended loud and clear why you were in and out
Of my life and my brother’s.
You decided to choose alcohol and drugs instead of being a father.
The good news, your consequences influenced me to give up the liquor.
The ugly truth shines in the light,
And now you lost your right to your children and grandchildren,
But dementia has prevented you from becoming guilt-ridden,
As you stay in illusion about serving within a Mexican prison.

2014©H.M. Gautsch