What Do I Title This Shit?

Before I wrote my last post, I told my fan page that I would write on a particular issue/topic. I failed on the last post. It’s not an easy topic for a lot of my followers. Trust me, it’s not an easy topic for me as a PTSD survivor. As an outspoken comrade who is trying to not only bring light and understanding to PTSD/MST, I’m also trying to help other women veterans to stand up and speak out. I know there is more than me who have accepted their PTSD or other health issues from overseas. I’ve had my clashes with walls, unfortunately. Of the uncomfortably and denials, a lot of friendships have resulted as ghosts in my life. For example, one minute I would get news that I would be able to be apart of a video or two. The next, no words, no response, nothing.

The same ghost reactions goes with my book. I guess the broken news is, I won’t be using my photography of the horses, where I did equestrian therapy. I am playing it safe, even though I had verbal permission, if it’s not documented, I’m not playing with that possible fire. I’ll still finish writing my story and poetry in this series, but I won’t be able to use the photos. That means too, a new book cover, which I will create considering my book designer is also MIA. It may seem that the forces are trying to stop me, but I will battle on to get my story out.

People can still fucking doubt me. I give nothing to those who do. My medical documents and military records provide my evidences. I won’t flaunt it though, because I am not that type of individual. I will say this though, the military didn’t retire me honorably back in May, because of bullshit on their end. My story is my strength. I can admit the challenges go beyond the military (inside info for my LFN fans/friends, my choices and challenges are similar to Nikita’s story before Section). At the end of the day, the military developed my strength and courage to tell my story with no precautions.

What annoys the fuck out of me is how females are overlooked as veterans. I hear stories over and over again, especially with service dogs. Stop assuming the dog is the veteran and accept that there are females in this world who struggles and witness shit in war. Before the military accepted us in the artillery and infantry units, we held our own overseas in the ‘front line’ with duty on the Entry Control Points, Transportation, Guard Tower Duty, etc.

We too have lived on bases in Iraq and Afghanistan with happy trigger terrorists who enjoys rocketing and mortaring our bases on a day to day basis. We too deal with hardships and broken relationships back home while we were overseas. How about those nurses and doctors who work day and night to try and save those injured in the line of duty? Not all were men. Stop acting like war doesn’t effect us. Point blank. It is time to speak up, ladies! It’s time to raise our voices!

News From The Ranch


It’s back to the waiting game of being medically retired from the military now. Until then, I do what I can to stay on the surface of my life, even though I am currently beyond exhausted from trying to balance two jobs, school, military, and trying to start my own business.

At this moment, what keeps me focused is the thoughts of Montreal in June & the horses at the ranch. Due to insomnia issues, we changed my schedule for my equine therapy.

I showed the owner of the ranch my book cover I created for my next book and she loved it. She wants to make sure she gets a hand on a copy when it’s released.

Randy (my recovery coordinator out of McCoy) came to witness my therapy with Sterling. Randy asks me to be apart of a documentary type project to share my story with PTSD to put awareness to fight against the negative stigma in the military and to highlight the negative stigma of “candyland” at our local VA. The video project also will hopefully be a other step towards lowering and/or diminishing the suicide statistics in today’s veterans. I get to share my military & VA experience in this video project.

We want people to know there are healthier alternatives over the over medicating and having veterans becoming zombie-like and permanently ending important relationships. Equestrian is more beneficial because it allows veterans to accept their issues, learn how to cope with them, & move on from the past and have a healthy future in society.

As for working my therapy session, Sterling was easier to work with considering I was on time (even if the therapy session time changed itself) and he got a nap in prior. He was very intuitive with everyone around and kept close to me, guarding me again from who he thought to be strangers like he did when Mario & Deuce was in town.

We did an exercise where I made an alley way and had to identify two of my biggest obstacles with moving forward with the progression I had made since my start at the ranch. My two choices was home (since it’s time to move on to bigger things) & my heart (the most valuable thing in my life). Sterling kept eye contact and listened to my commands as we walked through the alley together. My heart was represented by grain & home was represented by hay. When Sterling passed the exercise, he went straight to the grain, symbolically asking to be a part of it. It was a beautiful moment in my eyes regardless of him nibbling on the bucket when the grain was all gone.

Teaser For "Psychological Demons" II

 I will not reveal the part of the story this teaser is from, but here is a sneak peak of one of the novel projects on my list. A suspense/drama about a female combat veteran fighting her psychological war, as she tries to keep her relationship with her father alive. Hope you enjoy it!

 Chapter ??

            A middle-aged man clusters half-packed boxes together in a bedroom. There are little children’s drawings on the sides of two boxes and another one that’s got a rip on a flap on the top of the box. The fourth box is ducted-taped shut. The man seems flustered with what to do with the dolls in the boxes. The man, known as Joe Sydney, stands about five foot nine inches. He picks up a faded and raggedy doll, with a missing button eye. The main gazes at it, with his pierce blue eyes, like it’s showing him a video of his daughter from when she was ten in its one eye. A flashback.
            A tan, Caucasian hand knocks on the opened door of the bedroom. The entrance of the doorway reveals Joe’s brother, Victor.
            “Are you okay, Joe?” Victor asks.
            Joe responds while being still being in a trance with the doll.
            Victor continues, “Sure feels like yesterday.”
            As Victor steps closer to help with the boxes, Joe snaps out of his trance and back into reality.
            “Huh?” Joe replies short.
            “Little Evey,”
            “Oh, yeah. You are right, Victor.”
            “She has grown to be a great woman.”
            “Eve will always be my baby girl in my eyes, Victor.”
            Victor examines his brother, as Joe returns to his frantic situation of getting the room together for Eve’s return from her tour of duty in Afghanistan. However, Joe isn’t fooled. What he fears most is change.
            “Joe, war changes people. We learned this through dad. Just don’t let it get the best of you or your relationship with Eve. You are all you two got since Mary’s passing.”
            “You are acting like you aren’t family anymore, Victor.”
            “You know what I mean, big brother.”
            Joe smiles and chuckles a bit at Victor. Victor returns with a sigh and a smile. He tosses a stuffed animal that he picked up during his conversation with his older brother. Victor then walks out of the bedroom and into the kitchen to help himself into the refrigerator. As he grabs an apple and heads to the island in the middle of the kitchen, he notices a military newspaper with the headlines, “First Female in Front Line Unit Returns Home.” He picks it up to notice Eve on the front cover with her Army fatigues on, dirt on her face, a 9M on her hip holster, and a M4 at the low ready and loaded for any event to exploit. Victor takes the newspaper back to Eve’s bedroom where Joe is still packing the childish objects.
            “Joe, what the hell is this?!”
            Joe looks up once again at Victor to wonder what he is addressing, and widens his eyes as if he’s been guilty of something. Joe takes a deep sigh as Victor continues integrating his brother.
            “Is Eve asking for a death wish with this new task? Why didn’t you prevent her from signing up for this?!” The intensity grew in Victor’s voice as the protective uncle trait reveals itself in his questions.
            “Victor, calm down. I may not agree with her decisions, but they are hers to make. She’s 21 now. I can’t control her choices, as much as I would like to.”
            “I am not sure if I should be calm or concerned about your collective approach to this discovery.”
            “Trust me, I already went through my grieving and unacceptance process with her before she left for basic two years ago. She has become one of the best soldiers the Army has ever experienced with.”
            “Well, I am glad you feel that way.” Victor’s reply was short and sweet, but his voice still revealed a bit of anger for Joe’s secret. There was an awkward pause before Joe insisted a drink or two to ease the tension.
            “Let’s head to Frankie’s Bar for a couple rounds. I will explain more once you ease yourself a bit.” There was a pause as Joe moved the last box to the closet to organize a bit before he and Victor left the house. Joe continues, “I am surprised you aren’t taken this better than I. I thought I be more of the protective parent for Eve.”
            “I guess I am more disappointed in you keeping the secret from me. We use to tell each other everything when we were kids, Joe.”
            “I’m sorry, Vic. I’ll make it up to you. I’ll buy tonight. All rounds.”
            “I can’t refuse that offer.” Victor smiles. “Alright, you are forgiven.” Vic pauses. “This time!”
            The guys make their way to Joe’s red F150 Ford truck that is parked in the driveway. Joe climbs into the driver side, as Vic climbs on the passenger side. The truck is started up and starts driving out of the driveway and down the road.
The house seems to sit just on the outskirts of a small city, population of about 15,000. Enough people to make an honest living in Oregon. The town, Coos Bay, sits on the Pacific coast for an extraordinary view for the ocean front property.  It’s a perfect time of year for the scenery as the trees reveal through the color changes of mid-Autumn.
 Chapter ??
“SGT Sydney,” yells the commanding officer in front of the formation of soldiers in an outdoor environment. The environment is mixed with mountains, sand, brushes, burbs, barbed wire, and guard towers. It’s a forward operating base in the midst of Afghanistan. A couple of apaches fly over the formation towards the mountains in the distance, as Eve runs from her place in the formation, as squad leader for the fourth squad. Eve stands about 5’8” with brown, medium hair and blue eyes. She stands at attention in front of her commanding officer, Captain Forester. A tall, 6’0” male, brown hair, brown eyes. Eve salutes, as the commanding officer salutes back. 
“Attention to Order! The Department of the Army has awarded Sergeant (promotable) Eve J. Sydney the Army Commendation Medal for outstanding service during Operation Enduring Freedom while being the first female to serve in Alpha Company, 10thMountain Division, in combative missions. Her dedication to the unit’s mission, superior performance, and leadership greatly add success to the deployment. Sergeant Eve J. Sydney’s actions are in keeping with the highest traditions of the United States Army, bringing great credit upon herself, Alpha Company, the 10th Mountain Division, and the United States Army,” scripted by a fellow soldier in front of the formation.
As the commander finishes pinning the award on Eve, the rest of the formation applauds in sync with one another, along with a few whoops and hollers from Eve’s team. Captain Forester hands over the certificate of the award with the left hands and shakes with the right, as he exchanges a few words with Eve.
“Proud of you SGT Sydney. You’ve been through hell and back, but you are one strong bone.”
“Thank you, sir. It’s all in the job.”
Once the hand shake ends, Eve salutes once more in a professional manner and returns to her spot in the formation.
“At ease!” recalls the commander. The formation rests as Forester continues to speak.
“Soldiers, I cannot thank you enough for the outstanding job you have done to complete the tasks requested by our government. I could not ask for any one better than the person you all see when you all look into the mirror every night before you lay your head to rest. Regardless of everyone’s religion, I have prayed day and night during our mission here for all of you guys. God must have heard them, because we are blessed without any casualties so far in this deployment, but do not let this factor put your guard down. We still have one week left before our asses are on a plane and get the hell out of here, so please stay alert until we are up in the air and heading home.”
The captain adjust his standing to attention, then the commander continues his demands.
“Company, attention!”
The rest of the formation stands at attention and replies, “Hooah!”
“I’m proud of each and every one of you. Keep it up.”
 Forester looks across his soldiers left to right before revealing his last command, “Fallout!”
The commander turns around and heads to his tent in the distance. The company falls out as six of the soldiers surround Eve and congratulates her for her award. Eve returns with smiles and high fives.

Kicking Motivation In People’s Ass With A Steel Toe Boot

Courtesy of Veteran’s Today

The clock is ticking. Fifty minutes before I have to be where I seriously don’t want to be. I barely have any motivation for my current employment at the moment anymore, but I have a job. 

I really hate publicizing my personal life. I do. I am not writing this out of pity or asking for sympathy, because I feel I made the choices that got me here. Could employment be better? Yes. Could the economy be better? I fucking wish. 

I do feel my life sucks, but I know it can always get worse. Even though I am on a brink right now, I keep pushing with whatever strength I have. I should be finishing up training in Virginia right now, with a second pay check from the military to take me to my vacation spot in Florida for another week. But, I am not. I am stuck back home in Wisconsin watching our first snow fall and watching our seasons change for winter rapidly. Rent is late this month. Because I work for a corporate that doesn’t feel like increasing their minions’ wages to be able to help them make a living. The corporate doesn’t even want to function with the government with the raise of minimum wage and yet they are the most successful corporation in the world.

Am I doing anything about it? Yes, I am applying at other jobs, all the while, continuing to try to per sue my dreams in writing the best I can right now. I had a goal to be moved out to California by my 28th birthday in June, but that opportunity seems to be getting throwing out the window. 

Courtesy of Stylez Fine Arts

I don’t hardly socialize anymore, unless I am able to afford to go out for dinner.  I am tired of the bar scene and that’s all this society I currently reside in are all about. I even stopped going to karaoke. We have the largest six-pack in the world at our local brewery. Every year during Oktoberfest, college kids feel it’s beyond cool to flip cars and go fucking crazy. Sad, but true.

On to better news, I am also swallowing my pride and seeing if I can get assistance from the Veteran’s Affairs to assist me to get back on my feet, permanently. It’s frustrating, because I am one of those struggling veterans when the rest of the people I surround myself with are doing amazing, whether it’s with finances, families, friends, fame, etc. So it sucks that I need all this help and I can’t sense to find anyone who has the same issues that I do when it comes to life. 

Regardless of all my current issues, I am still blessed. I got two best friends that are furry and weighs less than twenty pounds. I still have my hearing to embrace my music inducing moments. I have my eye sight to embrace my movie inducing moments as well.  I still have a roof over my head even if rent is late from time to time. Shows how supportive my landlord has been during my struggles, past and present. I may not have a companion to share my life struggles and success with, but I also am not a single mother stranded in this world with welfare. I have a mother, stepfather, two brothers, their girlfriends, & three nephews, who are all healthy as healthy can get. I also have a vehicle, with a monthly payment of course, and not of a GEO Spectrum kind. Do they even make those things anymore?! Anyway, if I do lose my apartment, at least I have a place to stay warm, especially for this winter… And that’s in my truck.

All kidding aside, I could be sitting worse than what I am now, no matter how much my life sucks. Did I mention I can still manage to pay my internet bill, so I can write this for you, my audience? A lot is going on in my life at the moment, but at least I am not sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself. I am trying to take as much action as I am able too. I learned from the Army life of, “Hurry Up & Wait.” That is at every aspect in life. 

So if you feel like life isn’t feeding you sugar coated candy, think of me or better yet, think of a homeless vet that is trying to get the help that I am able to receive at this moment in my life. Life is all about perspective of things. It does suck to try and think of positive outcomes when your emotionally drained and washed up with depression and anxiety. I deal with that shit on a day to day basis too. What isn’t right with me, I often ask? What the hell motivates me to not give up? The hope and prayers that I can be one who makes a difference in enough peoples’ lives to save theirs like my heroes has saved mine in more than a couple times in my life’s testaments that God has given me. Roy Dupuis & Romeo Dallaire. Look them up. My inspirations on an every day basis, no matter how many tears are shed or how many things get thrown in the house.

Until Next Time…

2013©H.M. Gautsch

My, One Time Only, Political Rant. Why? Because I Can.

Chuck Norris for President

Last night I just had a fiasco on one of Kevin Sorbo’s political rants on the current government situation in the US. Here is the poor proof of how the other fans, along with the majority of the society, is quick to judge based off of one comment an individual had made. Now I took names out of the equation, for the respect of Kevin Sorbo and his other fans. This is based off of Kevin’s copy/paste about how Wal-Mart is all success with their profits compared to the government.

No matter what fence you live on, realize one fact or opinion doesn’t make an individual’s belief a whole.

Politics is a widely complex topic, but since I expressed my negative experience with Wal-Mart, I am now stereotyped as a liberal rat stuck in a maze that approves of “Obama Care”. Now, whether I approve of this current situation of the government’s attempts to turn the US economy around with money the World does not have, is besides the point. Life is always about lessons learned, I just sometimes wish I can keep my mouth shut.

I understand everyone has their own experiences with anything in life, it is how we come up with the things we like and don’t like. None of us are actually one in the same and are 100% in common with each other. We all come from all sorts of walks of life, raised in different environments, ect. I was raised with a strong Republican stepfather and a Democratic mother. Yet, they met, fell in love and have been married for sixteen-seventeen years. Again, my mother was born Roman Catholic and my stepfather is a Protestant Luthern, my stepfather has a stronger tie with his religion background than my mother does. Again, no divorce in the future.

As for me, I am pro-LGBT, but I am not out there liberalizing and smoking weed, I am also pro-military, but I am not pro-war in situations that doesn’t involve the US, for example, Syria. I am pro-second amendment, but I also know that automatic weapons are not needed in America’s society. Truth be told, more damage is done with just a simple shotgun for property and family protection, not an automatic weapon. Not everyone can effectively shoot an automatic weapon in the first place. I am considered a “feminist” due to my independence and cleaning up my act of not referring myself as a “bitch” anymore, but deep down I appreciate chivalry and approve of it. Some of my friends even joke that my personality is relevant to Xena: The Warrior Princess. I love animals and disapprove of animal abuse, but I also am not an extreme to the vegan ways. I love me my chicken, seafood and bacon  too much. I am financial conservative, whereas, I get shit pay, below the poverty line, but yet, you don’t see me applying for government assistance like food stamps, I make due with the money I have, even if it is from paycheck to paycheck. It’s not like the paper money is of true value anyways, I mean, Gold isn’t backing it up for value, so please tell me what is? Trees? What’s the true value of trees in a money factor other than destruction to the planet, but then again, that’s not true value anyways. The only assistance I feel I have actually earned is my compensation pay through the Veteran’s Affair for my disability with PTSD and the government wants to take that way from us, veterans? I am also conservative with natural elements and the circle of life, yet I love my entertainment hobbies of movies and music. I clarify myself as an independent, not Democratic or Republican. I vote for the man, not the party. I dedicate my life to the country, not the political bullshit of it and where is it getting me?

I try hard not to judge but narrow minded individuals make it very hard. Before you call me out for being narrow-minded, have a strong argument with it because in reality I have friends of all walks of political rants and beliefs, along with religious beliefs, in and outside the military field. We are even to the point of respect in life with the common ground of I don’t bust your nuts for your point of views on life, if you don’t try to kick my vagina due to mine. I have friends with criminal records, I have friends within the LGBT community, I have friends from around the World including Iraq & the United Kingdom, etc. Now, as I release my beliefs to my blog, is this me being hypocritical, or is this merely a fine silver lining and an acceptance of a median of the beliefs. It’s is a gray area, not black and white, the virtue of politics exists in. I just wish more people could see it or speak up about it in a sense.

Another purpose why I am particular with Kevin Sorbo, is because, he his very outspoken with his Christianity and conservative political views and he has lost fans for the reasoning and gets opportunities passed up for his beliefs. People judge actors and entertainers, nowadays, based on political and religious beliefs nowadays. Even in Hollywood, Kevin Sorbo is on their so-called ‘Blacklist’, but I see him progressing with his acting more than the majority of the “middle-class” acting era in the 1990s, whether it is independent films or TV channels like Hallmark. This current fiasco isn’t going to allow Kevin to lose a fan, because bottom line, Kevin didn’t have nothing to do with his fans remarks. There are some points I believe with him, others, not so much. Hell, I even donated to Kick-starter for the current film he wants to go in production called Chronology. If that’s not appreciation of his master of skills and art, instead of his political rants, I don’t know what else to tell you anymore.

Life is about lessons learned and evolving from it. Yesterdays’ media and networking fiasco has taught me that. As selfish as it may sound, it’s time to go back to focusing on me and not the chaos around me. Society is driving me crazy at the moment.

Until Next Time,

 H.M. Gautsch©2013