Unloading The Negative Stresses To Load The Passions

I’m prepping a new chapter in my life. I am giving the civilian life a second chance after a total ten and a half years of military service.
People would question why I would give the military life a second chance after my experiences in the first round. It’s because I don’t give up easily, even if the flame diminishes in my vision.

I am not perfect, but I am an individual who looses focus once the passion is gone. The fire went out of me years ago for the army life. However, it was the only thing I knew in life, so it was hard to let go for me. Until now.

Well, not until now, but more recently as I put my insecurities away, learn to expose my vulnerability, and tell my story to the world. I realize people from my past will sham me for it. I am aware, but that doesn’t tell you who I am. That tells you who they are as a person. I would never claim as one of the best soldiers in the military. Shit, I consider myself more of an underdog.

I’m not just an underdog. I am a geek. I am embracing it. My passions are my therapy. Photography, writing, kickboxing, horses, dogs, movies, music, all are my therapy. Unfortunately other veterans who struggle with PTSD don’t find their strengths and therapeutic remedies. I have been working to rebuild my strengths.

We tend to be hesitant with coming forward with PTSD, because of the shamming it provides, not just in society, but also in the military. We need to change this stereotypical bullshit. We need to help the veterans find their new strengths outside the military life and let them openly expose their vulnerabilities without judgements.

I want veterans to stop being unsecured about their weaknesses and turn them into strengths like I have as a combat veteran poet. Learn to turn a negative into a positive. I do that with my poetry. My poetry keeps my emotions in check. On paper, it looks like a hot bi-polar mess. Reality, it helps me situate my feelings of what’s permanent and what’s temporary. I want to help and now that I’ve unloaded my military stresses more, I can help others unload theirs. I want to help others. I am tired of seeing the “22 a day…” slogan/statistics. We need to change it. Now!

Detours In Life. See Them As A Blessing, Not A Struggle.

Early morning thoughts with a cup of chai tea on the left of me. As Christmas is coming to a close, I can’t help but flashback to the days in Iraq. 50-60s degree Fahrenheit during the day and dropping down to the 30s at night. Snow was substituted by rain, which would produce a large amount of mud.

Now that brings me back to my life’s purpose. Spending nine years in the U.S. Armed Forces was a mix of opportunities and struggles, but coming out on top is the only way I can close that chapter. I meant that based on mentality levels, not necessary emotional or physical levels. Of those nine years, I haven’t done the bare minimum for my original dreams. It was like a construction zone off of I-90 in the summertime down in Chicago. A hot mess of a detour. But I have looked at this in  a new light, recently.

The friends in my life are split when it comes to age, nowadays. Either they are older than me, like 8yrs+, or they are basically fresh into adulthood, mainly my artists friends are. They are working and trying to get somewhere, but too caught up in the game of life at the moment. So I watch from a distance, as I work on my own thing with my writing & photography, but if they ever need me or my advice, I am here with open arms, because we aren’t only a team, but a family.

Of course I spice my artistry up by putting music into the equation from time to time, but that’s not my main focus right now. Telling stories through poetry, prose, or novels, that are far from the norms of Hollywood, is where I am right now. Hopefully, maybe switch them into movies to tell my stories one day. If it wasn’t for my experience with the Armed Forces or deployment, I probably would still be kind of lost in the career aspect of things. It has helped me grow though and for that I am grateful!

Yes, I could probably be further in my music career today if I stuck to my writing and guitar lessons as a teenager, but I really didn’t have my heart into it at the point and time. So what is the use? With this squiggly line of a climb up the latter of success, I can mix and match more stories and express more thoughts through my own heart. I needed the education of the World, not just in little ole’ Wisconsin, so being able to step out of the comfort box and see the opportunity of the World through my own eyes and not being blind-sided by the media, is a blessing. Understanding other diversities, religions, and cultural environments, is a blessing.

I’ll be 28 in June. Some will debate about how young I still am just by the number displayed in this blog, but with the life I have gone through already, I don’t feel “young”, but yet, I don’t feel necessary old all the time either. I feel mainly as I am just being me and my time will come when it’s due. With the education, failures of past attempts of other careers, the supporters having my back, and the growth through life, I know I got this. It just takes time, persistent, & strong-willed, in the heart. Even with life struggles, as you get older, life gets better. Remember this small fact and the world will fall into your hands.

This advice doesn’t just fall in the path I chose. It also falls into any obstacle that comes with life, whether it’s family, career switch, or whatever! Find the strength within you to surpass it and follow your heart. I am not saying to drop everything and start over, but take the knowledge you developed in your years and feed it to the projects you want to succeed in life with. You be surprised on how many people are waiting to hear your stories and probably will be able to relate to them. Don’t live in fear.Hell, you may save somebody someday just by being you.

I am aching for 2014, because I know things will just keep getting better with filtering out the past, organizing and embracing the present, and planning for the the future. Ideas are already brewing up in this skull at the moment.

Until Next Time…

Kicking Motivation In People’s Ass With A Steel Toe Boot

Courtesy of Veteran’s Today

The clock is ticking. Fifty minutes before I have to be where I seriously don’t want to be. I barely have any motivation for my current employment at the moment anymore, but I have a job. 

I really hate publicizing my personal life. I do. I am not writing this out of pity or asking for sympathy, because I feel I made the choices that got me here. Could employment be better? Yes. Could the economy be better? I fucking wish. 

I do feel my life sucks, but I know it can always get worse. Even though I am on a brink right now, I keep pushing with whatever strength I have. I should be finishing up training in Virginia right now, with a second pay check from the military to take me to my vacation spot in Florida for another week. But, I am not. I am stuck back home in Wisconsin watching our first snow fall and watching our seasons change for winter rapidly. Rent is late this month. Because I work for a corporate that doesn’t feel like increasing their minions’ wages to be able to help them make a living. The corporate doesn’t even want to function with the government with the raise of minimum wage and yet they are the most successful corporation in the world.

Am I doing anything about it? Yes, I am applying at other jobs, all the while, continuing to try to per sue my dreams in writing the best I can right now. I had a goal to be moved out to California by my 28th birthday in June, but that opportunity seems to be getting throwing out the window. 

Courtesy of Stylez Fine Arts

I don’t hardly socialize anymore, unless I am able to afford to go out for dinner.  I am tired of the bar scene and that’s all this society I currently reside in are all about. I even stopped going to karaoke. We have the largest six-pack in the world at our local brewery. Every year during Oktoberfest, college kids feel it’s beyond cool to flip cars and go fucking crazy. Sad, but true.

On to better news, I am also swallowing my pride and seeing if I can get assistance from the Veteran’s Affairs to assist me to get back on my feet, permanently. It’s frustrating, because I am one of those struggling veterans when the rest of the people I surround myself with are doing amazing, whether it’s with finances, families, friends, fame, etc. So it sucks that I need all this help and I can’t sense to find anyone who has the same issues that I do when it comes to life. 

Regardless of all my current issues, I am still blessed. I got two best friends that are furry and weighs less than twenty pounds. I still have my hearing to embrace my music inducing moments. I have my eye sight to embrace my movie inducing moments as well.  I still have a roof over my head even if rent is late from time to time. Shows how supportive my landlord has been during my struggles, past and present. I may not have a companion to share my life struggles and success with, but I also am not a single mother stranded in this world with welfare. I have a mother, stepfather, two brothers, their girlfriends, & three nephews, who are all healthy as healthy can get. I also have a vehicle, with a monthly payment of course, and not of a GEO Spectrum kind. Do they even make those things anymore?! Anyway, if I do lose my apartment, at least I have a place to stay warm, especially for this winter… And that’s in my truck.

All kidding aside, I could be sitting worse than what I am now, no matter how much my life sucks. Did I mention I can still manage to pay my internet bill, so I can write this for you, my audience? A lot is going on in my life at the moment, but at least I am not sitting on my ass feeling sorry for myself. I am trying to take as much action as I am able too. I learned from the Army life of, “Hurry Up & Wait.” That is at every aspect in life. 

So if you feel like life isn’t feeding you sugar coated candy, think of me or better yet, think of a homeless vet that is trying to get the help that I am able to receive at this moment in my life. Life is all about perspective of things. It does suck to try and think of positive outcomes when your emotionally drained and washed up with depression and anxiety. I deal with that shit on a day to day basis too. What isn’t right with me, I often ask? What the hell motivates me to not give up? The hope and prayers that I can be one who makes a difference in enough peoples’ lives to save theirs like my heroes has saved mine in more than a couple times in my life’s testaments that God has given me. Roy Dupuis & Romeo Dallaire. Look them up. My inspirations on an every day basis, no matter how many tears are shed or how many things get thrown in the house.

Until Next Time…

2013©H.M. Gautsch

My Operation Iraqi Freedom Soundtrack

Music is my life and it’s one of my biggest escape routes to just forget how things are now and let me replay the memories, good and bad. Music is also a great way to express what you are feeling here and now. When you see my playlist, you will see a lot of mixed feelings in this journey, but you need to realize a lot of soldiers go through a lot of emotional pain, physical pain and spiritual pain, whether it’s on the surface or not. Keep not that this playlist is of my world in 2006-2007. Even though I still enjoy all the music below today, does not mean I feel exactly the same now then I did back then. Here is my chosen playlist that I have created for my “Operation Iraqi Freedom” soundtrack. 


If you want to see more of my playlist and listen to the music, just click on –> My OIF Soundtrack <–.