A Snippet From The Road To Healing Project

Leading a horse to water.

So for my birthday this week, I requested to ride Sterling. I didn’t get much time, because again, I am not very time oriented. I tried to pull off normal during my session. It didn’t last long. I didn’t open up much, but Sterling did react to my high anxiety the moment I stepped into the arena with him. My horse trainer spoke up about it.

Anxiety plays in a number of events in my life right now. I am permanently done with the army life, therefore a second try to a transition to civilian life. I am moving to a city that’s four times bigger than my present city, and I am finally figuring out my purpose in life after long adjustments in my personal life.

When stress is high in my life, the nightmares return and I become more restless than I already am. Not the war flashback nightmares, they only come so often. My nightmares are more symbolic and line up with my native spirituality whether it involves animals or natural disasters. Most commonly, tornadoes. This past week I was introduced to rattlesnakes and other venomous snakes. I think I have some research to do to find the meaning.

Anyways, back to my therapy session. The horse trainer was concerned. She warned me that if she felt tension and no comfort in Sterling, I’d have to get off right away. It was a chance I would take just to be on him. I trusted him and he trusted me. Sterling knew what to do though with my condition, before and after I was on his back. Sterling relaxed while I was grooming him and prepping. I kept hugging him to feel him breathe and sync with his calmness. Everything went smoothly regardless of having a new intern with us and my high anxiety issues for the day.

It was a bummer he doesn’t do bareback like Joseph does, but it felt good to be riding nonetheless. Bareback is how I also prefer. You have a better connection with the horse, feeling skin on skin. It’s the spirituality in me that allows me to feel the spirit/humanity in animals, let alone horses. Not everyone has the gift, but from day one, my therapist and my first horse trainer asked if I was a horse whisper. I guess the gypsy soul in me links with the spirit of a horse.

As I Lie Awake (Poetry)

Eagerly waiting on what dreams

Waits for me on this…
Cool and collected mid-summer nigh’.
To welcome my request into fantasy
Crickets whistle slowly fades,
I am delivered into a refreshing ride.
As I lie awake,
Hypnosis transfers my surreal mind,
Touches my emotions, as I fall asleep.
I’m battling between two comas,
Two separate lives.
In confusion, new scenery comes to life.
I am aware,
But my other life remains in control.
I allow it like a child lost in a book.
Are dreams just pure fantasies?
Or reality waiting
For the time to be revealed for a purpose.
Taking notes on each episode,
For each season.
To the illusion of what’s to hold.
2014©H.M. Gautsch

Nature’s Morning Song (Poetry)

The cool breeze,

Enhances this new feeling,

In my soul.

The sun rays enter,

In my body,

Warmth’s my heart.

The robins & cardinals,

Sings the verses in harmony.

The toads & frogs,

Battle for the choruses’ melody.

The dying storm,

In the far distant,

Gives the creation its beat.

The freshly young sun,

Dances while it rises,

From the Far East.

A new day has begun,

With a love-filled sky.

As one of nature’s morning song,

Gives us a vision for our minds.

©H.M. Gautsch

Despite Other Peoples Doubts, You Have To Believe In Yourself

No one has the ability or strength to walk in your own shoes. Therefore, they have no right to judge you or how you do things in life. Stick to your own lane when it comes to chasing your dreams.

That is how you will keep your own grasp on whatever success that may come in your path. If you start believing in other people’s words about you, you will NOT finish the race.

Nobody in society are on the same level in the journey in life, so if you are on a higher level, don’t look down on people, unless you are willing to help them up, yourself.

I wrote my wishes the other day, if I was able to be gifted such opportunity. You know what those three wishes were? Let me share those wishes with you for a minute…

  1. … I wish everyone had the ability to become fearless with their own life and go out into the world and educate themselves on the sights, sounds, emotions, and languages of the world and other species with an open heart and mind.

  2.  … I wish people could wake up and realize their struggles are a blessing more-so than a step back on life. Especially in the more developed and rich countries. The journey for happiness and Utopia isn’t meant to be easy, or the life span of a human being would be a lot shorter.
  3.  … I wish for more strength, concentration, and perseverance, (someday without my medications, permanently) to continue on the road I’m on to change the world through my own footprints, without the worries and concerns of growth in the “selfish assumptions” with my life. That is not what my message is about.

Now, with that being said, what is going on in Marie’s world these days? Why has she been a bit, “silent”? 

It’s no secret that I been busy with my own life, at my own level.

Front cover for my second poetry book.

I returned back to college, sooner than I expected. I have made the initiative to look for a treatment facility, among the number of local doctor appointments, for my PTSD. With that announcement, I shall publicly announce, I am in the long process of a medical discharge from the military. 

I am finishing up my first poetry book, to send it to the publishing ranks this week. I also already started to put together my second poetry book (here’s a sneak peak of the book cover as follow).
I am also continuing my therapy of music producing (mediocre level), writing on my novel projects “Twenty One Days,” and “Psychological Demons”, and planning my photo shoots with my Chi City Inc University team in Chicago for future dates. 

So with all that being said, I am up to my neck with homework, medical documents, music, and writing. All the while, I am trying to balance the stories and thoughts that are floating around in my brain. This is why I am sticking to my own lane, because right now, I have full control of what I have got going on in my life. 

I envy  those who are farther in their dreams than me, but I also know you worked hard to get where you are at, despite of the obstacles and construction, you yourself have gone through. And if you are not as far as you would like to be, don’t give up hope. Life will fall into place once you are ready. God wouldn’t want it any other way. 

Until next time…

Twas the Nigh of Christmas & All Through the House

My family and I celebrate Christmas on the Eve of Christmas. Christmas Day for me is to sleep over half the day (since I work overnights with my current job that actually pays for the bills), snack on appetizer type foods, and surf the channels for a movie marathon and spend it as a single mother of two dogs, fighting over the garbage can, yet again.

But a change up this early evening. Turning off the TV and insert Celine Dion into my ears with a mix of her new album, Christmas songs and top hits.  Surely a warm feeling with one of the best singing voices, ever to exist. Thank you, Quebec for allowing her to express her dreams to the world and not keep her isolated. Now if only my favorite actor would follow suit. (laughing). Just kidding. Mind you, I am also inducing myself to another coffee high at this moment.

For Christmas, the most spoiled out of the group other than my nephews is my mother and step-dad, but seeing the joy and laughter on their faces are all priceless. I feel they also are old enough to know better and keep grounded when we give them exactly what they want for Christmas. But for the rest of us, the second generation, we keep the gifts small as possible, or we try, so we can teach the nephews that Christmas isn’t just about presents.  I have learned over the years that gifts are nice, but family time is a grander event during this time of year. It’s getting easier for me after years of shutting them out due to my personal struggles in the past. Hell, we are having another family night on Thursday for our favorite past-time meal, taco pizza! (laughing).

What’s even more heart-warming than Celine Dion, are the actions my immediate family shows by supporting my dreams of writing, cooking, and I am sure if they could, traveling, by the few gifts I do receive. This year was writing tools/inspirational books & my mother busted her behind with homemade seasonings and olive oils, as she built a new kitchen shelf for me, and also included three new cookbooks.

 I only had to read the first chapter of Jack Canfield’s Chicken Soup For The Soul: Inspiration for Writers, to get motivated for this blog. I am here, “working”, for my readers (smiling). It was the story of Celine Dion’s ghost writer for her biography and it was just touching. Yes, I will continue reading it after I work on my blog again. Revealing my novel projects, with a sneak peak of Psychological Demons later this week, as I re-add, yet, another page on my blog site.

I feel it’s coming together beautifully. Just need to carry a notepad, writing utensil, and one of my writing tools, inspirational books, with at all times. As I continue to write, my audience continues to grow. As I open myself up to other artistic measures, again, my audience grows. I joke about being the “Jane of Trades” through my photography, music, & writing, but haven’t mastered any of them yet. Or have I? Just waiting on the “write” (right) person to discover me. Only time will tell after my dues are paid, figuratively.

As I work towards my stories, photography, & poetry, I hope I give you the inspiration to work on your passions, instead of slaving yourself for the government (disguise-able discovery with my current private Philosophical thoughts). I also hope for those who celebrate Christmas and also for those who don’t to find peace within their hearts and in their loved ones. Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza, and overall, Happy Holidays and please, PLEASE, have a safe and Happy New Year.

As for me, I shall get “crunk” (an urban slang for drunk and crazy, for you non-urban and non-Lil’ Jon folks) off of Welch’s Sparkling Grape Juice this year. A repeat of last year (smiles).

Until Next Time…