Poetry

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It’s that time again.
Another banger, another rhyme,
Another lesson in this poetic mind.
With that hip-hop vibe.
I’m focused a hundred percent,
Like I’m popping in that Ritalin.
No, really, I’m popping that Ritalin.
To tame my A.D.D. habits.
Because God forbid if I ever get side tracked
Once again.
This is my calling.
To empower my weaknesses with my strengths.
I’m focused.
This is my moment.
I’m focused.
This is your only notice.
Artists respect this.
Because I know how to keep it trill,
Respectful and true.
I speak what’s on my mind,
But first, I listen, comprehend,
And understand other walk of lives before I stand.
Before I speak my views and experiences.
This is my business.
If I haven’t walked in your shoes,
I keep it hush; I don’t act like I know.
Because I don’t need to act a fool,
To fit in with any kind of crew.
I’m focused.
This is my moment.
I’m focused.
This is your only notice.
I keep it positive, I shine my own light.
I stay focused in my own fight.
I’m ready for the final round,
I’ll return to use my mixed martial arts exercise.
To squash those who want to criticize.
Because I am too focused.
To allow anyone to try to tell me how to live my life.
I am too focused to live any kind of lie.
It’s time to turn up the levels,
It’s time to maximize.
You can call me a pesticide.
I’m focused.
This is my moment.
I’m focused.
This is your only notice.
2014©H.M. Gautsch

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Day to day, I keep questioning myself…
How do I express my feelings without offending you?
I guess you should have thought twice,
Before you put me through what you put me through.
How would you feel if I revealed the truth,
The real roots of my PTSD and the rest of my mental issues?
Still today, I’d rather be back at the front lines of war,
Then be on the home front, being repeatedly reminded of my childhood nightmares.
The noisy citizenry is now wondering where, what, why?
Do I dare to even open that door?
The door to my closet, where skeletons lay all over the floor.
Piling up as if I am just a professional hoarder,
My closet is a mess; it’s all out of order with the door half-broken.
I am almost thirty, and I still fear of having children.
The fact I fear the most is being like my parents.
Do I dare explain it on my end?
My emotions have hit rock bottom.
I don’t know any other way to release them without the bottle.
Personally, that’s my problem. Once an angel, now fallen.
I got to try to find a way for my heart to blossom,
before it hardens and becomes rotten.
I am almost thirty, and I still fear of permanent commitment.
My father expressed it with his actions, through his heartless abandonment.
I was never taught properly how women should be treated by men.
I mean, where was he when ma found out I was being molested?
So when a good man is found, I just find a way to end it.
I act as if I have a lack of confidence, but really I am just full of my conscience.
People stress to me that I should let my past go,
Easy for you to say considering you never been in my shoes.
Behind closed doors was a whole different show that was played for the views.
Til this day, I still get the abrupt end of verbal abuse.
Til this day, I’m trying to find a way to heal the scars and massage the bruises,
Without necessary making accuses with my distancing excuses.
So the only way I’ll be able to let it go is if I talk about it.
It’s unfortunate that I never got the professional help I needed as a kid.
I guess my writing and my spoken words are a reaction for what should have been.
Before blame is put on me, look in the mirror and think of the things you did.
This poem reveals that my rage and my resentment, is still alive and kicking’
But instead of beating around the bush with the little white lies, I’m only being honest.
Isn’t that what you wanted? Even if it’s written, although I am feeling a bit smitten?
Is it a crime that I’ve given you a sneak peak into my flaw-filled closet?
My pain through a rear-view mirror, just a bunch of ugly roots.
This was just a preview of a chapter that is to be continued….

2014©H.M.Gautsch
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A bastard raised by a single mother,
And a bachelor who transitioned,
To my stepfather.
But that was never enough for me.
For my mind to became distortion,
By my curiosity.
After the discovery,
Of the unknown second candidate.
Questions arise in my thoughts.
All for the blank mystery
Of my birth certificate.
Who? Where? What? When? Why?
If he knew of my life,
Would he be proud of me,
Attempt to make up for lost time?
Or would he be in disgust
At the roads I chose to take,
And disown me anyway?
As I continue to grow,
Expose myself to the World
My mind continues to wander.
I sit back and try to understand,
How can one man or woman,
Just walk away from an innocent child.
The anger and resentment diminishes,
But I haven’t forgotten,
About my unanswered prayers.
Growing up fatherless,
Brings many effects to one’s home.
Don’t allow your child to grow up alone.
I feel lost not knowing,
The second half of my genetics.
Who? Where? What? When? Why?
The same questions haunt my dreams,
Brings me the life I only fantasize.
But that’s not enough for me to be satisfied.
2014©H.M.Gautsch


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Everyone knows, everybody is aware,
But still we look away as if we don’t care.
The result makes the world impaired.

The media is brainwashing and desensitizing,
Through propaganda and negative news emphasizing.
Modern societies centralizing.
As a human being with a richer mind sense,
Reminisces back to the childhood I took for granted
No smart phones, no cable, limited internet.
CNN’s start of 24/7 news binge open the doors of numbing
By dumbing down the audience, in results, unbecoming
In results, the garbage that TV production is dumping.
Welcome to our modern society.
Instead of personal interaction to grow attraction
We rely on social websites to search for satisfaction
In results, complete dissatisfaction.
Too many rely on the world’s negativity to increase fear
It provides limitations on the dreams you want to adhere,
But there is so much more than what appears.
No I am not talking twisted conspiracy theories,
Stop trying to be the professional in every surfaced story.
There’s more to life than to paranoia and worry.
If you are still human, put yourself in someone else’s shoes,
Instead of talking down on someone behind a message board,
Focus a bit more on the knock at your front door.
Welcome to our modern society.
Put the technology down, don’t be afraid to disconnect.
Those old classic movies, allow them to resurrect.
Change your state of mind, travel to connect.
Increase your minutes with your sisters and brothers,
Remember what you were taught by your fathers and mothers,
Pay attention to your sons and daughters.
What can you do for the poor, for the Peace Corps,
For the sick, for any progression, for a fellowship restore,
Instead of for a cyber-world war.
Welcome to our modern society.
2014 ©H.M. Gautsch


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How do you say goodbye, to the shit that’s not healthy for you?
Turn off the light, shut the door, and walk away in silent.
I still struggle with it.
Do you swallow that pride and weed out the demons in disguise,
Amongst the rest of the people in your life,
Even if your back is against the ropes and your hands are tied.
Take that bravery and let out the pain,
Tell your story to draw the picture on that paper,
For the next generation’s sake.
You can only be wrong for so long.
Adjust that fist, be ready to punch.
At the end of the day you can only take so much.
People be making me feel like I need to go live in my own world,
Off of a mountain or something.
Starting to get tired of society as a whole for their ignorance,
Hatred, and non-educational judgments.
There’s so many can of worms I could expose,
But I don’t.
I guess it’s a part of me growing and maturing.
It’s not how I want my fifteen minutes of fame,
It’s not how I want my character to impose.
The potential low blows for those
That slows my hope for our humanity…
…Nah…
Even though I have my days of feeling like a ticking time bomb,
It’s not how I want my reputation to compose.

2015©H.M. Gautsch