Life

Even though my adjustment to civilian life has been a struggle, due to being consumed in today’s society by so many political opinions, and truths being revealed… it certainly has been a hard pill to swallow…

Working DFac (fDining Facility) Guard

While most people gather, illegally and legally, I’ve kept my distance and silence, as well as decompress my mind, to gather my thoughts over this weekend as it reminds me of two things…. 1) my best friend at the time being KIA on June 3, 2007 (three days before my 21st), and the fact that tomorrow is legitimately my fifth year anniversary from being medically retired from the military.

Yet, there is still a pride in me for serving this country for the purpose of the bigger picture and not for myself, but for ALL the people in this country who chooses not to or simply can’t for medical purposes…

I continue to look at the positive things of serving like having the opportunity to embrace and experience so many various cultures and individuals through the battle buddies I’ve met over the years and the various global contractors and local people that I had the opportunity to befriend and worked with while in Iraq.

Local Interpreters, Taji 🇮🇶

Also, without serving, I definitely wouldn’t be where I am today nor accomplish the things I’ve accomplished over my adult life…

While the mass crowd defines us a basic stereotype of typical sheep and murderers, I will not let those voices define me nor the good-hearted people I have come to serve and meet, who take the call to risk their lives for their own beliefs of serving…

What comes down to my reality vs. their reality, is that we all have a story, we all have educational value to share through our livelihoods and experiences, and we all can learn from one another… we just need to be able to have an open mind to learn from those who haven’t experienced a similar life than our own and that’s where empathy comes in…

Unfortunately, the majority of us, as humans, struggle with having empathy for the rest of the world, if not, our own country and that’s why we are in the “Divided States of America” we are currently in.

Super Bowl Party. |Chicago Vs Indianapolis|
Go Manning Go!
🏈

The relief of today was fulfilled with distractions and productivity while distancing myself from the crowds and social media, while I regain my attentiveness and confidence with my purpose and knowledge in the world during my five-day weekend and I’m only half way through.

Goofing off before meeting
the Iraqi Army General. 😳

Also, what helped me through today is having one of my battle buddies that I relate to reaching out to me today with his music playlist and amazing descriptive reflection of his day, because he knows how much music and storytelling gets me through difficult things.

Thank you, Deneen, and stay well. 👍🏻

2db2aa9b-ca54-43e2-8fe5-0bdf3df5cce6A special someone in my life told me last night that, “We can’t heal alone…” and that’s been sticking with me all day. He is right, so for those who sincerely been loving and supporting me, if it seems I am taking you for granted, I deeply apologize. I promise, I am not.

Survival mode is a pain to climb out of after decades of fighting demons alone. Figured I switch up and express my gratitude, instead of allowing my mind to resort to the worse case scenario in my position. You are appreciated beyond words.

…and for those who are trying to take efforts beyond measures to ensue my accomplishments and success, I am trying to open myself, but the leap of faith is my current biggest fear in my life, especially of having crashed and burned by someone I took a leap of faith on fairly recently. I’m still healing…

JUST IN CASE SOMEONE NEEDS TO HEAR THIS:

Some days are very frustrating in the healing process and forgiving yourself for your past. Especially when you are alone or feel you’re alone in this life.

I frustrate myself most as my own worse enemy.

It’s easy to fake happiness when in reality everything in your life is on fire. Friends and family become strangers, therefore you’re not sure if you are capable to trust those who simply want to love and care for your heart. You work day in and day out to extinguish the flames around you.

Why alone? Cause most people don’t give a shit about your life or your story. Point, blank. However, as I grow older and continue my healing process, I come to the realization that it doesn’t matter. You cannot heal yourself on other’s expectations and other’s schedules. Why do I know this so well?

I grew up and still experience an environment where my emotions or my lifestyle doesn’t matter. I grew up where nobody has ever put me first or respect my voice.

Results in this are: one, I also have never put myself first, and two, I’ve crashed and burn like a broken record repeatedly by putting everyone else before my own.

For majority of the people in my life, walls and boundaries are set and I use two personalities (Yay, Geminis!), the strong, quiet personality and/or the goofy/high energy personality to help deteriorate any possible negative energy disguised in human form.

The consequence, genuine people in my life could easily come and go by misunderstanding me as a spiritual being.

As a spiritual being, I’m training myself to a different resolution. I’m learning to read people’s energy, rather than resort to the assumptions that everyone is bad juju.

It is a challenge for your heart and mind. Especially for those who travel a similar path like mine, but trust me when I say it gets better as you start creating a barrier that’s actually healthy.

You slowly learn to not put up with the bullshit that’s toxic and the genuine people see you for who you truly are as a beautiful, gifted soul. Most importantly, you start loving yourself and finding your confidence.

But how do we know we are progressing in our self healing and self love? Life starts to magnify you towards your goals and dreams in life and love.

💜🦄🖤

images
Day to day, I keep questioning myself…
How do I express my feelings without offending you?
I guess you should have thought twice,
Before you put me through what you put me through.
How would you feel if I revealed the truth,
The real roots of my PTSD and the rest of my mental issues?
Still today, I’d rather be back at the front lines of war,
Then be on the home front, being repeatedly reminded of my childhood nightmares.
The noisy citizenry is now wondering where, what, why?
Do I dare to even open that door?
The door to my closet, where skeletons lay all over the floor.
Piling up as if I am just a professional hoarder,
My closet is a mess; it’s all out of order with the door half-broken.
I am almost thirty, and I still fear of having children.
The fact I fear the most is being like my parents.
Do I dare explain it on my end?
My emotions have hit rock bottom.
I don’t know any other way to release them without the bottle.
Personally, that’s my problem. Once an angel, now fallen.
I got to try to find a way for my heart to blossom,
before it hardens and becomes rotten.
I am almost thirty, and I still fear of permanent commitment.
My father expressed it with his actions, through his heartless abandonment.
I was never taught properly how women should be treated by men.
I mean, where was he when ma found out I was being molested?
So when a good man is found, I just find a way to end it.
I act as if I have a lack of confidence, but really I am just full of my conscience.
People stress to me that I should let my past go,
Easy for you to say considering you never been in my shoes.
Behind closed doors was a whole different show that was played for the views.
Til this day, I still get the abrupt end of verbal abuse.
Til this day, I’m trying to find a way to heal the scars and massage the bruises,
Without necessary making accuses with my distancing excuses.
So the only way I’ll be able to let it go is if I talk about it.
It’s unfortunate that I never got the professional help I needed as a kid.
I guess my writing and my spoken words are a reaction for what should have been.
Before blame is put on me, look in the mirror and think of the things you did.
This poem reveals that my rage and my resentment, is still alive and kicking’
But instead of beating around the bush with the little white lies, I’m only being honest.
Isn’t that what you wanted? Even if it’s written, although I am feeling a bit smitten?
Is it a crime that I’ve given you a sneak peak into my flaw-filled closet?
My pain through a rear-view mirror, just a bunch of ugly roots.
This was just a preview of a chapter that is to be continued….

2014©H.M.Gautsch
images
A bastard raised by a single mother,
And a bachelor who transitioned,
To my stepfather.
But that was never enough for me.
For my mind to became distortion,
By my curiosity.
After the discovery,
Of the unknown second candidate.
Questions arise in my thoughts.
All for the blank mystery
Of my birth certificate.
Who? Where? What? When? Why?
If he knew of my life,
Would he be proud of me,
Attempt to make up for lost time?
Or would he be in disgust
At the roads I chose to take,
And disown me anyway?
As I continue to grow,
Expose myself to the World
My mind continues to wander.
I sit back and try to understand,
How can one man or woman,
Just walk away from an innocent child.
The anger and resentment diminishes,
But I haven’t forgotten,
About my unanswered prayers.
Growing up fatherless,
Brings many effects to one’s home.
Don’t allow your child to grow up alone.
I feel lost not knowing,
The second half of my genetics.
Who? Where? What? When? Why?
The same questions haunt my dreams,
Brings me the life I only fantasize.
But that’s not enough for me to be satisfied.
2014©H.M.Gautsch