Dear Dad, Part II (Poetry)


Dear Dad;
I want to thank you for my green eyes,
and this head of hair, but rumor has it, not my height.
Unfortunately that is the only thanks I can give you,
Regardless if you know if I even exist or not.
Unfortunately I can’t keep up with the truth anymore,
No matter how hard I have fought.
If you know of me,
I just want you to know I don’t care like I did before.
If you want to get to know me.
That be great, but I am not holding my breath for another day.
Closure for me doesn’t have to be a happy ever after.
 
I wouldn’t be surprised if you were an asshole,
From the stories I’ve been told.
I was only four years-old!
You walked out after two weeks of barely knowing me,
How you must’ve been disappointed.
Must have been hell since I never saw a day of child-support.
You wouldn’t know of the fantasies and dreams I would turn to,
when it comes to reality, I thwart.
If I could choose my own father, I would.
Erase the two current candidates if I could.
I barely know who you are or what you even look like,
Other than you having the same green eyes.

Do you even know how hard it is to try and figure on my own…
How a man should properly treat a woman?
Trials and errors are a repeat in my heart,
As it continues to wear thin on my part,
Regardless of the numerous pick-up lines and flirts.
In a world where the tables keep being turned.
I could blame my mom for the sperm donors,
But at the end of the day, I also inherited from her,
Finding the good in everything and everyone that came along,
No matter what may come, with or without closure.
It is just too bad you could never be my father.

2014©H.M. Gautsch

Dear Dad, Part I (Poetry)


Dear Dad;
How is it living in Kings?
I guess you didn’t expect to be in assisting living at fifty-six.
Do you even know me? Do I look familiar?
Do you even remember?
The baby girl you vouched for your own;
backed me up all the way to a DNA test to clarify my blood?
I was always daddy’s little girl from the day I was born,
I stood up for you even when you weren’t even around.
Misunderstood child always siding with her old man,
As the lies stacked up on the other end.
It wasn’t just my grandfather and uncle that only influenced,
You’re military service helped my decision become fluent.
Twenty-four years old and a call from mom,
At this point I’m still self-medicating and befriending my demons.
when I finally realized your escape from your past traumas.
Karma, karma, karma when you fell from that latter.
Now I comprehended loud and clear why you were in and out
Of my life and my brother’s.
You decided to choose alcohol and drugs instead of being a father.
The good news, your consequences influenced me to give up the liquor.
The ugly truth shines in the light,
And now you lost your right to your children and grandchildren,
But dementia has prevented you from becoming guilt-ridden,
As you stay in illusion about serving within a Mexican prison.

2014©H.M. Gautsch

"Butt Hurt (What Do You Know?)" (Poetry)


Another day, another dollar
Another moment that I’ve disappointed you…
But what did you expect me to do?
Sugar coat the shit? come on I was only being honest…
I thought you be happy to hear me be able to express my emotions,
Be confident with where I’m going…
With my life and knowing exactly what I wanted.
But the tables are turned, even as you keep playing your cards.
If I wanted a soap opera of a life 24/7,
I would audition for “The Young & Restless”
If I wanted all this drama and a partner sensitive 24/7,
I’d still be fucking dating crazy women.
It wasn’t the sex that drew me away from the lesbians,
It was all of the pitiful acting from the thespians.
So before you want to manipulate me with your speech,
Know that your persuasive defense doesn’t work, you’ve been breached.
So best of luck, my state of mind is off to vacation on a sunny beach.
While it’s time to just agree to disagree,
We aren’t getting anywhere with a plea.

I’m not butt hurt. I’m not guilty.
Even after all the times I’ve put down my guard.
What do you even know?
You are hardly around to see how…
I am living, full-confidence with my guard down.

Ain’t it funny how the only time my self-esteem is low,
Is when you are around to rub my past into my face?
You must enjoy punching the blow,
By trying to tell me what to wear for what place.
Why don’t you believe that I’ve progressed, you can see it in my poems,
Where my flow exposes my self-esteem and my soulful seed becomes a rose.
I’m sorry I can’t be the woman you wish I would be.
No matter how many storms, no matter how many wars…
It’s a curse, but also a blessing for how I’m outspoken. It’s 2014, not 1863.
Time is changing and we need to evolve with it, or be left behind, remain unrefined.
You tell me to focus on my good times, why don’t you do the same?
Stop being hypocritical in your advice, and let me live my own life,
My own mistakes, my own goals, my own sacrifice…
Stop being disappointed in what I don’t have (money).
Be proud of what I can accomplish (change).
Sometimes I wonder who it is you really blame.
Are you ashamed that you don’t have the courage to do the same?
I guess it’s best to just agree to disagree,
We aren’t getting anywhere with a plea.

What do you know?
I’m not butt hurt. I’m not guilty.
Even after all the times I’ve put down my guard.
What do you even know?
You are hardly around to see how…
I am living, full-confidence with my guard down.
What do you know?
You are the fuel for my creative tools..
What do you know?
What if I told you the truth?
Do you even read my stories, my poems?
Maybe you would know…
You are the fuel for my creative tools.. 
©H.M. Gautsch

My Everything (Poetry)


We met, love at first sight,
Unfortunately it was the wrong place at the wrong time.
I didn’t know what love was, but you swore it was,
But that was when my life was full of negatives, faux pas.
A one night stand at a time my heart was banned
From love, because of my heartaches
And the chains that wouldn’t allow me to let go of the past.
Bridges continued to burn over the years,
While a raging river was created through my fears and tears.
But what I’ve learned…
While the fires were distinguished in my heart,
I know I can be a hot mess, a painful stress
When it comes to trust and love,
But you showed me unconditional patience.
We’ve come and go, more so
I’m to blame with my nervousness
And fear of happiness.
But you let me fly like a butterfly,
To discover my wings and strengths.
Just to find myself back into your opened arms.
My everything, always putting me before your own.
Always being my rock, a dependent I can lean on.
My everything.
Even when I wasn’t trying, when I was barely breathing, 
when I felt my heart wasn’t beating.
When I felt like a nobody,
You’ve always exploit I’m the world to somebody,
to you and you alone.
Even when we carried our baggage claim into the mix,
Zigzagged back and forth in each others lives.
I’ve realized your love is my permanent fix,
With or without the sex.
I cannot think of my future projects,
Side tracked with my ex being my next
And only plight…
No longer am I afraid,
Time has proved you’re not a fade.
I could go on and on, but no words can ever replace,
The emotions that are flowing in my veins.
The healing of my abandonment and terminal pain. 
You’re my oxygen, You’re my toxin.
My krytonite, my knight in disguise.
My brother, my father teaching me wrong from right.
My sister, my mother showing me the nature of nurturing.
Main guy on the movie screen,
My vaccine after a bee sting,
My guardian angel who found his own wings.
My everything.

2014©H.M. Gautsch