I Am Guarded Like A Man

“Very subtly under the surface, you are a woman with depth – with a world of meaningful feelings. That’s the litmus test. That’s why I wanted you in the “circuit” – without saying it. You’re a human being with values, passion, goals, inspiration, who wants to be held/ have fun, and to just live life to the fullest. That’s a dangerous combination – for the man who can handle it …” – Anonymous
A lot of times I feel I can be too much to handle. That’s why I am single, or so I feel. But I am reminded why I really am single, by the beautiful audience, like you. 
Being focused on the career(s) you been irking for your whole life can be stressful for a lot of people, and a lot of times lonely. I’m human. I am allowed to feel it. 
Don’t get me wrong. As a huge believer of astrology I know this and accept myself fully as a Gemini. I feel Gemini’s are probably the most complex individuals in the world. 
As a Gemini, I’m a flirt. Also, as a Gemini, we are filled with a lot of emotions and a huge heart. Two of the main reasons why we don’t tend to commit easy. If a partnership can’t fully understand your natural traits and habits, it’s going to be a long haul of an unhealthy relationship.
My friends know me. They know I am honest with my flaws. I flirt with a lot of my guy friends in my personal life, but they know I don’t play. I am not a player in the gamer sense. I love all my guy friends in one aspect or another. And if they ever doubt me, I do reassure them through gestures or I try.
My guy friends who know me, know where I stand with relationships and courtships. That old school love type of feel. In other words, my pants seems like it has a chastity belt to it (laughing). As much as my impatience tests me, I refuse to rush or jump on anything. Even, literally. If it’s meant to be, it’ll happen in due time. Right now, it’s not. Each day gets easier.
Yesterday, I was told I am guarded like a man after a small conversation of this particular topic. Maybe because like guys, I don’t do well with communicating or speaking about my emotions (unless, of course I can write it in a poem). I didn’t go into details, but I asked another guy friend about this. He insured me by telling me that nowadays, a lot of people are. Or maybe it’s just on our little world that it makes all sense to be, since the outside world is just chaos in our vision.
I was told this after I confronted one about how I don’t do well with expressing my emotions on a relationship level or after compliments like, “I miss your rosemary cheeks.” ~or~ “You’re hot.” ~or~ “My hands would look good on your hips.” (laughing)
Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I don’t have passion nor I can’t love. Because if that’s the case, I wouldn’t be a strong voice or act for freedom, equality, or justice. I just can’t break the ice as if it was a light switch like others can. My ice is probably ten inches thick when it comes to relationships. 
Why? I use to use relationships as a crutch, even way back in my early years as an adolescent. Guys, girls. Now, I am full filling my independence the best to my ability.  Making up for lost time, so to speak.
You can either thank my failed relationships of my childhood with my potential father(s) and the feeling of abandonment and resentment that I still feel til this day or you can thank my failure relationships of my early adulthood with my dumb decisions to try to rush dead end partnerships. Either way, I am trying to back track a little ways to fix that part of me, so I can solidify my next and hopefully last relationship I ever develop without the fear of loss, abandonment, and run away like Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride. Just be happy that I am not taking it out or mistreating a loved one on my past relationships anymore.
Most of my guy friends understand this so-called “issue” of mine fully. Others are a bit hasty about it. The one who last in the end with full trust and understanding will probably transform into my partner and companion. Reality is, one can only hope. If not, I will just keep occupying myself with my trades and skills, hopefully return to traveling soon to keep my mind occupied from this temporary loneliness.
Until Next Time…

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