Sack Depression Like You Are Clay Matthews

I am stepping away from my poetry posts, to share a little influence with you all. Life surely knows how to throw it’s punches. Am I right? It isn’t easy, but you do get stronger with time and the knowledge you prevail along your journey. One intel I will share about me is that I struggle with  post traumatic stress disorder and I have also struggled with depression from time to time. I was diagnosed in 2009, with years prior where I battled with denial and a negative surrounding. 

I guess part of my success with my issues, is I have accepted my mental disorders and I learned to research and expand my knowledge in the psychology field to see what works for me and what doesn’t work for me, as well as, understanding how my membrane works during my days on the brink.

Now, because I am diagnosed with both PTSD and depression, that doesn’t mean I am long in the face from day to day basis with no hope in life. Honestly, I do struggle with my faith from time to time, but it’s humane to do so. I truly believe that God wouldn’t give you the life you can’t handle. Usually I am like a rabbit, hopping around with a load of energy, with my personality and many wonder where a twenty-seven year old like me has so much spunk. Most of the time, people don’t think I am as old as I am, but not sure if that’s my personality or my young looks. 

Lately, I have been on another struggling bound in my life, but this time it’s different from the previous years. Instead of mixing medication with alcohol, I am hitting this thing head on without alcohol and chemicals that train the mind to be a robot. Well, that’s my experience with it anyways. Not sure if it was the chemical mixture of both, but I was numb with no feelings and/or angry with the World. My exes from previous years would tell you I was an “asshole” or a “bitch.” I was sour with life just rolling with it, but that was the past.

Also, when I use to drink, I was the life of the party, with my friends anyways. With my exes, it was usually drama and passing out. Today, I am social to an extent, but I’d rather just chill at home watching my favorite movies, cook and mess up my kitchen like a tornado hit it, and just write on my projects. I have been slacking with my fitness gig, I need to push myself back into it. I crashed and burned in March for overdoing my work outs with Insanity four-five days a week, plus kickboxing on the weekends, and gym time for two hours at a time, for at least three-four times a week. It was my distraction from drinking for awhile. I felt like wonder woman during the winter. Now, I am lucky if I get the motivation to hit the gym, twice a week. 

Anytime, I get frustrated with life, I look back at where I once was just a few years ago and where I am now, in the present moment. No, I am not talking about sitting on my ass and staring at my computer screen. I am talking about being nearly eleven months sober and about to publish my first poetry book for my audience, while I work on several novel projects and my personal life memoir as I reveal the journey that got me where I am today. For that, I want to re-post what I once posted over a year ago, about the natural therapeutic techniques that have helped me ten times more than just medication and counseling.

Natural Therapeutic Techniques


  • Moral Support
    – Emotional & mental support is the best whether it’s a significant other, family member, or a true friend. I learned to let go of the negative in my life finally after being afraid of it. It’s true, misery loves company and it is tempting to lock yourself in it’s comfort zone, but don’t. You will learn it’s just a black hole, preventing you from extraordinary things. Find friends and loved ones who treat you, the way you treat them, as if you are their World.

  •  Pets
    – I have two small dogs. I sometimes wish I had a bigger cuddle buddy, but at the end of the night, and looking pass the dog fur that has shed all over the apartment, and their imperfections, these two dogs are my mirror, so to speak. Rocky had a huge temper problem, like me, when I first got him over three years ago, but with a little work and discipline and unconditional love, he is secured in his relationship with me and snugs with me every chance he gets. Bear, on the other hand, loves to play and needs to be loved too much. He is just a lost cost, but he’s open my eyes to what I have been yearning for, for years now. I don’t how I would have gotten through most my bad days without having someone to go home to at the end of the day. Even if that person is a furry four legged pain in the ass. A great reason to not let go of your pet. You learn you need them as much as they need you. 


  • Grateful List
    – Make a list of the things  you’re grateful for and add a new thing daily. It’ll make your day go by so much easier and smoother. Big or small, for example. “I am grateful to wake up for another day. Thank you, Jesus.” -or- “I am grateful to not be in the wrong place, at the wrong time, to be committed to crimes I did not commit.” It’s all about perspective in life. Bottle half full, bottle half empty, or just drink the damn thing and go on with your business!

  • Foods & Beverages
    – To start the food and drinks transition, make a pros and cons list of the items you digest in your body. From my experience, It’s best to lay off the soda, pop, soda pop and replace it with green tea, black tea, chai, and water. As for the food intake, try to lay off the eating out, especially at fast food, and cook at home more. It’s fun overall, but it’s more fun when and if you can share the kitchen with a friend or a companion. I have a Culinary Management degree, there should be no exception for me, unless I work at a restaurant, but right now, I don’t. The biggest factor as well to live by, is of course, portions you eat. Don’t eat the same thing over and over and over again. Boring! Nor, don’t overload your plate with food you won’t eat. The problem with Americans is we tend to bigger eyes than we do our stomachs. We need to train our minds to eat to live, not live to eat. Educate yourself with nutrition, hell, even take a class. Nutrition was one of my favorite classes I took in college. Maybe I’ll take it again, for shits and giggles. 

  • Nature
    – I love the outdoors! There is nothing more peaceful than hiking in the bluffs that lie across the river banks of the grand ole’ Mississippi River. Nature is a key place, away from the city, or in an Eco-system park, if you can’t escape the city, that is purely right for meditation and catch up with Mother Earth. I am a strong believer that if you take good care of her, she will in return, take good care of you. I also grew up in the country, and when I can escape the current city I live in, I go home to my parents’ future retirement spot, let Mother cook me breakfast, as I start a bonfire without trying to burn our neighbor’s corn field down. Wisconsin has so much more to offer than the whole binge drinking atmosphere and reputation we carry. I just wish we, as the citizens, could look past that and conquer the issue, hands on. Also, it breaks my heart to see the frac sand mining companies destroy something so valuable just for the greed of money made of paper.

  • Music
    – Music is one of the best therapies for me. I am a huge music fan, considering I grew up to country music, hip hop music, real boy bands who are now men, alternative rock and Creed. Music has gotten me through so much in my early years as a teen, before I was diagnosed with depression. Today, music is a huge influence for my poetic findings in words. Which, ironically has also been a main therapeutic techniques for my bad days. Some of my favorite artists are Lady Antebellum, T.I., Eminem, George Straight, Faith Hill, Chris Rene, Flipsyde, & Creed, etc. I just realize, too many to list.

  • Movies
    – One of my favorite hobbies is watching movies, whether it’s movies I grew up too, for example, Kevin Costner’s Robin Hood or Charlie Sheen’s The Three Musketeers or foreign movies with my favorite actor, Roy Dupuis. Movies also trigger ideas and is an influence to my story writings. Unfortunately I am still getting use to the story concept of writing and deal with many writer’s block on this level. However, there seems to be a pattern here with the writing scheme. I don’t think I need another bulletin for it.

So the conclusion of this note is if it wasn’t for the alternative therapy techniques, I’d probably still be an alcoholic on medication, drinking my paychecks away. Great times! Even though I am on a small downfall at the moment in time, I know I’ll pull through eventually. I just need to let the roller coast it’s way through this current moment. But no, in all realness, believe in yourself cause someone else out there believes in you. Don’t worry about your mistakes, cause that’s what makes you and at the end of the day, we are all human. We were born to make mistakes and learn from them. Don’t be afraid to let go of the past, because once you learn to close the door of unnecessary, the door of opportunities opens for you.

~ Stay blessed,

H.M. Gautsch

Synopsis & Story Of "Evolution of Oneself: My Poetic Memoir"

So as I let my life sit in for a minute, I can’t help but stare at the cover of my book and think how blessed I am for the four individuals who are helping me live my dreams. Before I go on with my story, I want to throw a special shout out by name. I don’t think I can thank you all enough. Ever. So, thank you to my book cover designer, Don Schlising, for taking the time to help me bring my vision to life. I don’t think the book cover can get anymore bad ass than what we have brought to life. To my editors, Lena Plaut, Julia McCune, & foremost Paul Morairity Jr. Thank you all for supporting me unconditionally through the years you have known me and for taking the time to edit over a hundred something poems. Also thank you to those friends, family and fans out there that keep me pushing towards my dreams of writing and the rest of the pieces that falls into place in this puzzle called life.

My poetic memoir is a collection of my poetry throughout the years that reveal my darkness, light, happiness, tears, and sadness. I have a mix of poetry from lyrical, short, and long poems. Also my poems express my passion to fight my diagnosis of post traumatic stress disorder and my chronic depression. When you read my poetry, it’ll reveal the hell I been through, through my short time on this Earth. The bottom line here though is, I am still here, walking. I didn’t give in to suicide and I hope my book can change other people’s insight on their struggles and lives as well as it did with mine. All is in chronically order as well to see the progress and depress of my life. The common cliche of life is, everyone has a story to share. Unfortunately, not everyone takes the time to share theirs. Well, I decided to be one of the few that use creativity to share my stories, my life, and my dreams to the rest of the world. 

The poetic memoir is just a small taste of what is to come for future writing and publishing. I also have an actual memoir in the works for my life. The reasons for sharing my story is to find the light in others and allow them to find a new faith within themselves when others aren’t always there. I may not be able to open my arms, physically, to all who struggle with their current life situations, but know that I will always have open arms in a spiritual matter.

With my trials and tribulations in life I’ve been beaten down numerous times. Each time I have been knocked down and beat down, I rise again and my flames get higher. My wings spread wider like a phoenix. I could have gone many routes with my book cover from a griffin, archangel, wolf; however the phoenix remains bright in my mind and heart out of all the ideas I have had come across in my unorganized membrane. The quote on my cover is one of my all-time favorite stanzas from my poem, “Light.” Life isn’t far from easy, however it is worth living and fighting for on this battlefield we call our temporary home. I will leave with one other favorite stanza from my poem, the influence of the title of the book itself, “Evolution of Oneself:”

“It’s not the destination, but the journey itself.
That’s the goal.

For the true definition of our existence,
is not to lose or find ourselves,
but of creating and discovering ourselves.
That’s the evolution of oneself.” 
– H.M. Gautsch ’13